Feedback is personal, because It matters. Stop pretending otherwise
Photo by A Chosen Soul on Unsplash
In business, we are repeatedly told,
“feedback is not personal” or
“do not take this personally.”
I hear this so often in my corporate work with emerging and emergent leaders.
Nonsense. Feedback is always personal. It is about me— it is addressed to me - about my behaviour, my skills, my blindspots, my impact, and my opportunities to grow. Feedback is always personal. And that is exactly why it matters. To pretend otherwise is to strip feedback of its very purpose.
When someone says “do not take it personally,” what they are really doing is asking you to disconnect from your emotional response. At best, this is unrealistic. At worst, it borders on gaslighting, making people feel as though their natural reactions—whether discomfort, defensiveness, or even sadness—are wrong or excessive.” No wonder people walk away from feedback confused, bruised, or resentful.
Here is the truth: feedback triggers the brain’s survival system. It feels like threat before it feels like growth. That is why people get defensive, bite back, or shut down. It is not whether your emotions show up, but whether you know how to handle them. You are being asked to regulate some of your defensive emotions so the conversation can stay constructive.
So let’s be honest. When you say “do not take it personally,” What you are actually trying to say is:
• Please hear me out before you get defensive.
• Please stay open long enough to absorb this without shutting down or shutting me down.
Fair enough. But if I am asking you to stay open, then I had better know how to deliver feedback that does not feel like an attack. If I am asking you to listen without armour, I had better deliver without bullets.
That is the deal.
Feedback is not a weapon. It is a responsibility. It must be delivered with precision and with kindness. Feedback is not about dumping your opinion. It is about holding up a mirror—direct, useful, and kind. Anything less is just criticism dressed up as development.
If you are not able to deliver feedback well, the problem is not my sensitivity. It is your incompetence. So lets stop pretending otherwise.